AFTER DARK — DIARY: I Was Supposed to Ask Nicely

I Was Supposed to Ask Nicely

15 September 2026

I’m writing this from bed while Seunghoon is at his desk working on his crime novel.
I’m sore, we both smell like garlic, and yesterday got completely out of control.

I had a plan.

This is important because absolutely none of the plan happened.

For two days I had been thinking about my new bodyguard so much that it was becoming painful.

(I’m not disclosing the name of my bodyguard, so I will simply refer to him as bodyguard here)

I thought about him when I was rehearsing. I thought about him when I was watching TV. I thought about him when I closed my eyes. I couldn't sleep because my head kept going back to him.

I’m not good with change. However the old one had other job and had to be transferred elsewhere.

The new one had only been here a few days.

At first he seemed very serious. Almost scary.

Then we went to the sea and something changed. He relaxed around me. He was sweet. He bought us cookies. He hugged me back when I hugged him.

That was apparently enough.

My brain was gone.

I wanted him.

And then I started trying to work out whether he wanted me too, which made everything worse because every tiny thing suddenly meant something.

He looked at me.

What did that mean?

He was nice to me.

What did that mean?

He hugged me.

What did that mean?

Then he said Seunghoon was really hot and suddenly I had convinced myself that maybe he wanted my boyfriend instead of me.

Still I wanted him.

I had already planned how I was going to ask him.

After dinner I was going to ask him to walk with me.

Seunghoon had writing to do, so I would be going with the bodyguard anyway. I thought we could walk somewhere and I would ask him properly if he wanted to have sex with me.

I had rehearsed it.

I had thought about what I would wear.

I had thought about what I would say.

I had thought about how I would behave.

I had basically planned the entire thing inside my head.

Then I went into the shower and completely crashed.

I don't mean I became a little nervous.

I mean I actually broke down.

I started crying. I couldn't breathe properly. Everything in my head went bad at once.

Part of it was him.

Part of it was waiting.

Part of it was the possibility that I had spent two days becoming completely obsessed with someone who might just say no.

I had already been stressed about the upcoming Sticky Shorts live. I think everything was sitting on top of everything else and then waiting another few hours to ask him suddenly felt impossible.

Seunghoon heard me.

He came into the bathroom and found me sitting in the shower crying and panicking.

He asked what was wrong.

I told him I was too stressed. I told him I couldn't wait another two hours until dinner and the walk and then somehow ask nicely like I had planned.

He sat there with me.

He turned off the water.

He asked what he could do.

I asked him to go ask the bodyguard for me.

He didn't want to.

Then I told him to call Dad and make Dad ask.

Seunghoon is always complaining that Dad spoils me and that I call him whenever I want something, so obviously he did not like this idea either.

But he still called him.

For me.

I was still crying beside him while he made the call.

And then Dad basically said:

Does he think I'm stupid?

Apparently when Dad chooses a man specifically to be my bodyguard, he already makes sure he’s available and can deal with me. He actually told Seunghoon that he screens bodyguards for whether they can deal with his son wanting to sleep with them.

If he can't, Dad doesn't send him.

I did not know this.

So apparently I had spent two days losing my mind over information Dad already had.

I was still crying, though.

Knowing he was available didn't magically make my body calm down.

My eyes and nose were red and swollen. I looked terrible. All the careful ideas I had about looking attractive when I asked him were gone.

I still insisted that Seunghoon come with me.

So we went to him.

Nobody said anything.

Three men just standing there.

The bodyguard asked if something had happened to me.

Seunghoon was nudging me and whispering:

“Say something. Talk to him.”

I couldn't.

This was the conversation I had rehearsed for two days and suddenly I had no words.

Then unfortunately some words arrived.

Unfortunately.

I looked at him and instead of saying any of the normal things I had prepared, I asked:

“Can I suck you off?”

And then I started crying again.

So much for asking nicely.

Seunghoon was explaining that I was stressed and overwhelmed because of the live.

The bodyguard told me I could, but that I didn't have to.

Then he asked why I was crying.

I don't even know what this scene must have looked like from his side. Can you imagine the insanity of the situation? Now I laugh thinking about it, then it felt like the world was chaos in my head.

And then Satan appeared, screaming at us because he had finished his food and wanted more.

Of course.

So in the middle of everything I had to go feed the cat.

Strangely, that helped.

I brought Satan more food and somewhere in the middle of doing something completely ordinary, my body started calming down.

When I came back, I heard Seunghoon explaining to the bodyguard again that I had been overwhelmed because of the live.

I didn't want another conversation.

Talking had already failed badly enough.

So I went over, sat beside the bodyguard and started kissing him.

I could feel his stubble rough against my lips, his breath hot on my skin.

That worked much better.

He kissed me back, his tongue exploring my mouth. I gestured for Seunghoon to join. He was standing there, his face red, his eyes wide.

The bodyguard looked at him and told him to come sit next to him. That’s when he joined us.

I was still half there, half dazed.

I remember the carpet rough under my knees as I went down to suck him. I wanted his dick desperately. It was just like I expected it to be, strong and big like the rest of his body.

I could feel the heat of it against my face, smell the musk of his body. I could feel his hands in my hair, guiding me. I was focused on my task, still felt my head a mess.

They were making out above me, his hands on Seunghoon. I just kept sucking him.

I loved his dick in my throat, the swelling of it. I could taste the salt of his skin.

It turned into a normal threesome then. The couch was squeaking under my back, the bodyguard’s weight on me. Seunghoon’s hands on my body, his mouth on my neck. The bodyguard’s dick inside me, then Seunghoon’s dick, the stretch of it, the heat of it. It felt good, it sure did, but my communication skills were still kind of lacking. I was mostly just responding, my mind a blur.

Afterward I slowly started breathing normally again.

That was the strange thing.

For two days my body had been behaving as if something terrible was about to happen.

Then suddenly nothing terrible had happened.

He wasn't scared of me.

He didn't seem upset.

He was normal.

He and Seunghoon were even talking about what food we should order.

And suddenly I wasn't embarrassed anymore.

Later we had the barbecue.

I ate two skewers and somehow bit the inside of my cheek while eating.

Of course I did.

They ate something like six or seven each.

We drank too. The bodyguard only had one beer because obviously he couldn't get wasted.

By then I was completely different from earlier.

I had calmed down.

The panic had burned itself out.

And once I am comfortable, unfortunately confidence returns very quickly.

We went back inside.

I offered to strip for them.

Actually, “offered” makes it sound as though there was a formal discussion.

There wasn't.

I basically started.

They both seemed happy with the arrangement.

Seunghoon was fairly drunk by then, which probably helped because normally he can get shy about things even when he wants them.

Seunghoon slapped me with a skewer on the butt which actually hurt because he pricked me with the pointed wooden stick they have inside.

After stripping we made out for a while.

Then Seunghoon suddenly said he needed to write.

Yes, in the middle of making out.

Drunk.

He said he still had ideas pushing on him and needed to write them down.

So he told me I could stay and enjoy the bodyguard, and that when he was finished writing he would come find me.

I accepted this arrangement.

So Seunghoon went to write.

And I stayed with the bodyguard.

By then I was relaxed enough to tell him that he had been working up my head for two days.

Then I initiated things again.

I wanted to show him how good I really was. So I was naked already. I just sat on his lap, my bare ass against his jeans. Rubbed myself against him, feeling his dick getting hard through his pants. kissed him, till I felt his dick stiffening completely. He went to get condoms. Then got rid of his clothes midway, revealing his muscular chest and hard cock. Thinking of his clothes spread on the floor of my living room made me even hornier for some reason. He was still half hard when he sat down, his thick cock resting against his stomach. I climbed again on his lap. He stroked himself to get harder and slid it in, stretching my asshole open. He was so strong and muscular, helping me up and down like I was a feather, his hands gripping my ass cheeks. Then the loveseat we were sitting on made a sound. We didn't stop. Then it actually broke down. we didn't entirely fall down, but landed smoothly with the seat to the ground. I could care for the broken loveseat later, now I wanted this. He stopped for a second, looking at the broken seat. I said we should go to his room. So we moved to his bedroom, one of the guest rooms on the other floor of the house.

And finally I could show him properly how much I wanted him.

The bed was much more comfortable obviously. He lay me down and came on top of me pushing in, his cock filling me completely. I think he was amazed of how flexible my legs were, how far I could open them, so he just kept pushing them apart and fucking me, his balls slapping against my ass. he was good. This time I could fully experience it. I was there. The alcohol had definitely loosened me up also. I especially loved it when his body fell on top of me crushing me under his muscles and still fucking me, his cock buried deep inside me. I kept him there. Glued my arms around him. At one point I had a prostate orgasm. Yes the thing where my whole body convulses and my legs shake.

The expression on his face afterward made me happy.

He looked so pleased with himself.

Proud.

And I loved seeing that because this isn't something I can fake for somebody just to make him feel good.

He could see what he had caused in my body. The shaking. My asshole contracting like crazy around his cock. My voice completely out of tune. The liquid coming out of my dick. My hands clutching on him desperately.

It was real.

And he knew it.

We were kissing a lot afterward.

I told him about earlier.

About how crazy the anticipation had made me.

About how scared I had been that he might say no.

He told me that he is here as my protector.

From outsiders.

From physical danger.

From cyber attacks.

And even from myself.

He told me that when I want sex, I should just tell him.

I told him he should tell me too.

He said he couldn't take that liberty because Dad is his boss and he has to respect me.

He felt that he could only do something when I said so.

I told him I give him that liberty.

I don't want him wanting something and thinking he isn't allowed to tell me.

We will probably figure out exactly how that works between us later.

At that moment I was mostly just happy.

He said I was cute like Honey Gyeongdan.

And, more importantly to me, he didn't seem frightened by what had happened earlier.

I had worried that after seeing me crying and panicking like that he would think something was seriously wrong with me.

But he didn't seem scared.

He stroked my head afterward.

Eventually we slowly fell asleep.

Later Seunghoon came to find me because he had finished writing.

I went with him.

I told him everything was fine now.

The embarrassment was gone.

He seemed glad.

Actually, he was hyper.

He wanted sex.

And I was happy.

I didn't care that my ass was sore from before. When Seunghoon wants sex, my answer is always Yes. Yes a hundred times. I was excited he came back horny from work. I could see his cock already hard in his pants. He told me I was hot when I did the striptease dance, so he kept thinking about it. Then we kissed for about 20 minutes, our tongues exploring each other's mouths, his hands gripping my ass hard. Then he bit my ass (he does that sometimes and it hurts), leaving teeth marks on my cheek. Then he lay on his back and let me ride his dick, his thick cock stretching me open as I sank down on it. God I love that! His phone interrupted us because of a wrong call, which he didn't pick up, his focus entirely on me. Then we continued, my hips grinding against him, his cock deep inside me. I was staring at his face when he came, half lit by the little lamp next to us. The sweat glistering on his philtrum. He is perfect. There is nothing more handsome than that. I love seeing him like that, his body tensing as he fills me with his cum. Just perfect!

After that we mostly slept hugging each other.

Not much sleep.

But it was nice.

Seunghoon smelled like the food.

Probably like me too.

Maybe that's why I'm writing this now.

If I wait six months, I'll probably remember it differently. Make it cleaner than it was.

It wasn't clean.

I completely lost it.

Then somehow everything was fine.

And I think I can finally sleep.

Days like this I can see why my CSBD and my BPD and autism together can make a terrible mix.

But then they also somehow create the second half of the story, which I loved.

I love days with a lot of sex even when they start out messy. I can see how my CSBD helped start all of this, but I also wouldn’t give any of it back because I loved what happened after.

I’m sore now and I still love it. The soreness feels familiar and comforting.

I’m sitting on the bed beside Seunghoon while I write this. He’s at his desk writing his crime novel.

We ate meat with this special garlic sauce, so both of us smell like garlic now. Actually the whole room smells like garlic. I love it.

It’s cloudy outside and it might rain.

My soul is calm.

Memoir Excerpt: Wrestling Matches

Our wrestling matches had become way more physical.

And I know wrestling is physical by default.

But Seunghoon and I made them more than they should have been. The grabbing lasted longer than it needed to, hands sliding under t-shirts, fingers digging into skin. Unnecessarily long for a casual match.

I could feel his bulge against my thigh. He'd rub up on me, stay pressed there while I barely tried to get away.

I have no doubt a wrestling match would've turned into our first time if we weren't always getting interrupted.

One time we were at the park, in a spot almost like a small forest.

Wrestling behind some trees.

Seunghoon was holding me down hard, his weight pinning me. His face was right in mine. He was smiling. Had that rude smile on.

I could feel he was hard, thick through his shorts. I was getting hard too. I arched my back and pushed my ass down into his grip. He grabbed tighter, his fingers pressing into my hipbone.

I kissed him and slid my hand into his tracksuit. He was already dripping pre-cum, hot and slick on my fingers.

Then he pushed me harder against the ground, kept kissing me, rubbing against my hand.

That's when we heard leaves rustling nearby.

We froze. Hoped it was just the wind. My heart was pounding. He was out of breath too. Then we heard voices. A family coming for a picnic.

Seunghoon rolled his eyes. We sat apart. Horny. Pissed. We just exchanged disappointed looks.

Memoir Excerpt: First Prostate Orgasm

The first time my prostate exploded was years ago. I was at my boyfriend's place in his bed, watching some horror movie. Then we started making out, which of course led to sex like it always does.

Been taking dick since I was sixteen, born to be on my stomach, legs spread. He was fucking me really hard, half on my side. Just spit, no lube. I was already an experienced bottom. A total 100% bottom born for it. I always enjoyed it so much, but that day something new unlocked.

The wind outside was going insane! Trees thrashing against the window like they were trying to break in. Every time he slammed into me, the whole goddamn world shook. He had me on my side, one leg hiked up, just pounding away. No rhythm, just raw fucking. Felt really good.

I kept rocking back and forth, his body against me, his dick in me, his hands around me, his lips on my neck and suddenly my dick just erupted. This endless liquid gushed out, without me even touching it. Didn't know if it was prostate fluid or piss or both, but it kept pouring out of me, soaking the sheets until the bed was totally drenched underneath us.

As he fucked me faster from the side, I suddenly felt these pleasure waves spreading from inside through my whole body. My eyes rolled back, my body shaking in pleasure, drooling. I could still feel his dick fucking me but I wasn't moving, just laying there engulfed in this never-ending pleasure while my body shook in waves.

My brain just ... stopped. Empty. White noise.

He didn't stop ... thank God because I couldn't have formed words if I tried. Just kept fucking my hole while I was lost somewhere between his sheets and outer space.

Now? I can make it happen every time. Scary- looking thing, I guess. Body convulsing, eyes rolled back, drooling while some guy's dick is pounding me.

But it's like dying and going to heaven at the same time. And I'm addicted.